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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

The final eight truths of adulthood

Okay, so there are undoubtedly more than 32 truisms for adults but this has been a pretty good list. I hope you’ve enjoyed each list of eight things that we can agree are true and common to adults, no matter our age, gender, race, relgion, political affiliations, or socio-economic status.  Let’s face it, the human condition is full of ironies.  We might as well laugh occasionally.

  1. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
  2. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
  3. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  4. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
  5. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  6. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
  7. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  8. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

I hope you enjoy your day and remember, there’s only three more weekends for shopping before Christmas!

Happy Monday,
Terry

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November 8 = eight more truths for adults

Is today November 8?  Yes?  Well, that means two things.  One, the elections are over. And two, it’s time for 8 more indisputable, undeniable truths for adults.  We left off here last month, and here are eight more.

  1. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.  (Don’t worry – of course it’s not your number.)
  2. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  3. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than Kay.
  4. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.  (Or – in rural areas, the “Deliverance” route. )
  5. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. (Ignorance was bliss.)
  6. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.  (My grandma called it a lazy man’s load.)
  7. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
  8. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

C’mon, admit it. You agreed with at least two of these and the others made you chuckle.  Now go and enjoy the rest of your day.

Happy Thursday,
Terry

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Last month, we covered the first 8 of 32 truths for adults.   As promised, here are the next eight, on the 8th. I hope you enjoy them.  (You didn’t read ahead, did you?)

  1. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  2. Bad decisions make good stories.
  3. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
  4. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
  5. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  6. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
  7. When I miss your call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?) and I immediately call back, why does it ring nine times and go to voice mail? What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  8. I hate leaving my house feeling confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

Have a great day and smile at grumpy people. It’ll make ’em wonder what you’re up to.

Happy Monday,
Terry

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Eight undeniable indisputable truths for adults

I recently came across a list of 32 truths for adults.  Unfortunately there weren’t 32 weeks left in the year, or I would have posted one a week.  But there are four months remaining in 2012, so I’ll share 8 of them on each 8th day of the month from now until December.  (Those degrees in accounting and finance come in handy sometimes.) Read ahead if you want, but you’ll ruin the surprise.

  1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
  5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (Actually, Martha Stewart showed me how years ago, but I still can’t fold T-shirts like she does.)
  6. Was learning cursive really necessary?  (I can barely print my name these days, thanks to incessant keyboard use)
  7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

There.  I hope one or more of them made you chuckle.  And just imagine what October 8 holds in store.

Happy Saturday,
Terry

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I stand patiently, hose in hand.  I gently point out examples of what happens when plants don’t get water.  See?  See the wilted petals?  See the brown edges on leaves?  They underscore the importance of regular watering.  Plants need water, I stress to her.

I turn on the hose and show her how much water is enough, and how to apply it – gently so it doesn’t beat  down the plants. As I water, I glance back over my shoulder  to see if she’s paying attention.  Her countenance is a bit dark and scowled, but suddenly the downcast look gives way to a cheerful spark of understanding. She’s got it!  I think.  I hope.

As I wrap up the watering, I prompt her one last time:  she needs to do what I just showed her, all over our property, at least once a week.  Twice if she gets all hot and bothered, as she’s prone to doing this time of year.

I really hope my lesson has sunk in this time around.

I return indoors.

The next morning, I peek outside to see how she’s doing.  Nothing so far.  I’ll give her time – maybe tomorrow she’ll do as I’ve asked.

A day, and then two days pass.  Still no sign that our time together had any effect on her.

By the fourth or fifth day, I have to assume she has once again forgotten my admonitions.  It’s hard to stay angry with her when she has such a sunny disposition. But when it comes to doing her chores, she’s a real slacker this time of year.

Happy gardening,
Terry

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The (Garden) Bed Intruder

KEEP CALM AND HIDE YO PLANTS

With apologies (?) to Antoine Dodson, here’s my garden rap as we brace for the after-effects of another brush with freezing cold temperatures:

Frost is climbin in your garden
Freeze is snatchin your sprouts up
Tryna kill em so y’all need to
Hide your plants, cover your blooms,
Hide your plants, cover your blooms,
Hide your plants, cover your blooms,
And wrap yo shrubs cuz it’s reapin’ errthing out here

You don’t have to come and confess
We’re lookin for you
We gon find you, we gon find you
So you can run and tell that,
Run and tell that,
Run and tell that, frostboy
Home, home, frostboy

We got your icy shroud
You done left yo frostprints and all
You are so done
You are really done, fo real.

I hope everyone manages to save their blooms and tender seedlings while we face down this cruel hand dealt by mother nature.  She’s a fickle, temperamental beast.  And she always bats last.
Happy gardening,

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Random thoughts from the Gentle Grammarian

Seasonal allergies came for a visit this year. We haven’t gotten together much the past few years – which was nice; I guess you could say we took a “breather.”  Anyway, as I was sneezing and sniffling and wiping my nose one recent morning, it struck me just how many words that begin with “sn” have to do with the aforementioned schnozz. Consider this list:

sneeze
sniff (and sniffle)
snivel
snore
snort
snot
snout

And then there are those terms that deal with our faces and attitudes, all of which happens above the shoulders:
snack
snaggletooth
snarl
snark
sneer
snicker
snigger
snide
snippy
snit
snitch
snobby
snoop
snooty
snooze
snub

So what’s the connection?  Well after I compiled my list, I went in search of answers.  I quickly discovered I’m not the first person to wander down this particular mental path.  Most of the pioneers on this trail concluded there is no real connection.  Possibly a transliteration from the ancient fnese (remember f’s and s’s looked a lot alike in old manuscripts.)  Maybe a connection to the Germanic schnauz or schnozz, but that’s tentative; there are hints of earlier usages.

Now granted, snails, snakes, snow and snuggling don’t have anything to do with our heads or noses.  But it’s odd that so many words with the same beginning do all have so much in common.  This post may be much ado about nothing.  But it was fun and it took my mind off my sniffles for a while, and that’s nothing to sneeze at, is it?

Happy Saturday!

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